As long as I am here
by bloemhoffan3000
Summary: Songfic. Lily/Nina. See title. Note: kinda sad, since my Nina's in a coma.


A/N1: I'm drowning in ideas for song-fics! And usually I'm not a big fan, but these just won't let go! So, here we are.

AS LONG AS I AM HERE

I find that I am shaking

From my head down to my feet

My hands are sweating so bad

and I can barely speak

Read between the lines here

don't know what to think

It's a guessing game ...

Lily has nightmares about Nina's final performance at least twice a week. She's a wreck. Thomas doesn't even bother to comment on her rehearsals anymore, and it's accepted that Veronica will continue in her place.

It always starts the same. They are dancing, and then they're in the cab, on their way home. Nina is looking so relaxed, and happy, and Lily can't keep her eyes off the other girl. She's laughing at the goofy smile on her face, when Nina suddenly gasps, and her eyes turn quickly from their usual warm brown, to black, then red.

"You will never escape me."

Lily's hands are sticky with blood as she holds onto Nina's pale slumped form. There are tears in her eyes, while Nina stares slightly past her, into nothing.

"I felt it. I was perfect," she whispers, awestruck, as her life's blood leaks onto Lily's white shirt.

How can a shard of glass create such a huge wound? Lily wonders idly, trying to hold on to Nina's ever weakening body. She's bleeding away.

She wakes up when her bloody hands meet each other.

Was it the face?

Was it the moves?

Was it the way that she just knew me?

Was it the meaning behind every smile/

I try to walk, but can't leave,

her eyes they pierce right through me

but I don't care

As long as I am here.

Somehow, there is video footage of Nina's ill-fated performance making the rounds on the Internet. Lily downloads it, and watches every chance she gets. She ignores the titters of the other dancers behind her back; their whispers of her breakdown leaves her cold. All she sees is Nina. All she wants to see is Nina.

When Thomas calls her into his office, it'n not a surprise to anyone.

"Lily, you are leaving me with no other choice," he begins, sympathetic. "I am as upset as anyone that we lost Nina, but ..."

He gives an elegant shrug. This is a business, not a charity. Work, not play-time.

"I cannot keep making excuses for you. I'm sorry."

She packs her bag in silence, absently noting how little sign there is of herself; or any of them, really. All that remains to remind them are their memories.

I can't move cos I'm under her spell

can't breathe as a side-effect from this

And I know that this will be the end of me.

I can't move cos I'm under her spell

can't breathe as a side-effect from this

and I don't care,

As long as I am here.

When Nina comes storming in late to rehearsal, snarling at her, she feels relief. The Black Swan is not an easy piece, and while she is infinitely confident in her ability to do justice to Thomas' vision, she has fallen inlove with Nina in it.

When she falls, a shocked hush falls over the crowd of dancers and audience alike. Lily remembers how intense Nina is about any imperfections in her dance, real or imagined, and holds her breath. Thomas' face looks like a thundercloud, and when Nina's face crumples, she wants to smack him for his insensitivity. She has to reign herself in though, because it's her turn to dance, and she shoves all thoughts of comforting Nina to the back of her mind.

She dances the Black Swan like a woman possessed. Lily feels her heartbeat quicken, and her mouth go dry. Nina was magnificent.

When she kisses Thomas, Lily feels like someone punched her in the gut.

She manages to ignore the weird jealousy as she sets off to congratulate her rival. She thinks how important that part of the role was to Nina, and she welcomes the surge of pride that she pulled it off so beautifully.

"Nina, that was great!" she gushes as soon as Nina opens the dressing room door. The girl looks stricken.

Lily thinks alot about trusting her instincts, and how she failed Nina. Then she thinks about why that even matters.

My head's a mess, my thought a blur,

but at the same time clearer

and I'm feeling so content, but unsure.

Reaching out, reaching in,

wish I knew what you were dreaming,

I never want to ever let this go.

The room is cold, and she always brings a jacket, even on hot days. She doen't talk to her anymore. She used to, in the beginning; telling Nina about her day, between apologising and yelling at her to wake up. Sometimes she tried to jolt her by claiming that Nina's Swan was the worst piece of shit she ever saw, or that Veronica was outperforming Opening Night, but Nina never wakes up; never believes her lies.

Erica Sayers asks her once, confusion evident in her eyes, why she still bothers to visit. Her daughter is nothing but an empty shell now, after all.

"I'll be here for as long as she is."

It's the only thing that keeps her going.

A/N2: The song is AS LONG AS I AM HERE by Prime Circle.


End file.
